The Soda Jerk

Pepsi! Rock Band! Free Shit!

2009-04-25T09:49:00.003-04:00

First off, I need to figure out how the hell I can cash in on this... The Jerk definitely jams out with his clam out on some Rock Band, baby!

Anyway, so Pepsi is gonna start up this thing with the 2009 MTV Movie Awards where you enter in your code from your can, bottle, or whatever at pepsi.yahoo.com/rockband and you could win Rock Band 2 Special Edition Bundles, XBox 360 consoles, some downloadable music tracks, and other unannounced shit. You could also win an Empty Vee Moon Man- but who really gives a shit about that when you can win ROCK BAND!!!

Oh, but ya gotta wait until June 2nd before you can enter in your codes. It's hard to believe that the only news I put up in 2 months (due to the birth of my lovely daughter) is a friggin' ad for Pepsi and MTV that I'll never see a dime from.

News, News, and More News

2009-02-19T06:28:00.004-05:00

It looks like in the middle of April, Pepsi will be releasing Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback that will contain real sugar cane instead of high fructose corn syrup. Now, HFCS is supposed to, according to the corn guys, enhance a drink's flavor and, oh yeah, it's cheaper. However, according to most people, sugar is just better. When the drink comes out, you know I'll pick up some and compare and we'll see if it's just that the grass is always greener on the other side or else we've been gyped out on flavor.

Maybe next, they'll bring back Crystal Pepsi. And no, I won't shut up about it.

Oh, and in other news, Coca Cola has created a bad ass machine that is so far called the Soda Robot. It's a vending machine that can dispense up to 120 flavors! You select your drink and then the Robot mixes your drink right there and shoots it into a cup like a coffee machine. They're going to use concentrated ingredients in cartridges to conserve space and give you the variety that all soda jerks demand. Coca Cola is testing them in Georgia and parts of California before releasing them nationwide in 2010.

The future looks so god damn bright right now! Santa got my letter!

Oh yeah, and Satan is trying to get an 18% soda tax passed in the state of New York. Replace Satan with Governor David Patterson. He believes that it won't pass, so of course, it was worth the taxpayers money to even bring it up, right? All these people get paid to handle the creation of new laws and bills- and they don't come cheap. So, the amount of taxes he wanted to bring in from it was basically blown on the salaries of everyone who wasted time dealing with this, instead of dealing with more pressing issues, like trying to brainwash everyone into thinking they're one day away from being super rich. I mean, Satan even said he doesn't expect it to pass. So then what the frig is the point?

I mean, is this how we reward soda? All the great things they've given us (minus diabetes, heartburn, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and countless others) like a great drink that can go with friggin' anything?! And as delicious as Kool Aid is, soda just makes it its bitch.

Doesn't Governor Patterson sound like Vacini from The Princess Bride and Professor Frink from the Simpsons had a baby?

Are You Fucking Serious?

2009-02-12T11:15:00.003-05:00

A new soda is being developed in India that is made out of cow piss. Now, I could have used the word “urine” instead of piss, but are you fucking serious? This drink is a product of the Hindu caste system that keeps India from becoming as great as it could be. It’s so that the people at the bottom can be more spiritually enlightened.

The caste system works like this: if you’re born at the bottom, you’re destined to be poor, ugly, and you’re going to hell. At the top, you have your rich and beautiful that get a first class seat on the flight into heaven. You’re born into it. Ya can’t help it. And ya can’t rise above your level- so why even try? So, this will “help” the people on the bottom be looked upon better in time for the afterlife or reincarnation or whatever. So, if you’re at the bottom, you’re poor. So, this is simply the rich caste stealing what little the poor caste has. Oh, by the way, if you’re somewhere in the middle, your goal in life is to serve the guys at the top.

If you’re trying to sell crazy here, sorry- we’re all stocked up.

If any level so much as touches someone on the bottom, then you’re now filthy and just like ‘em and shunned. Yeah, they’re working really hard to help out their poor in India.

Cow piss.

India is now rapidly racing toward becoming the big dog in the yard, so just like a political candidate, all their dirty laundry is starting to come out.

I can’t wait to visit there and see the Taj Mahal. Even though I’m the Soda Jerk, I’ll be damned if I’m going to drink cow piss. I’ll leave that to Andrew Zimmern.

Caffeine = Delicious!

2009-02-10T09:22:00.006-05:00

Caffeine Content Of Popular Soft Drinks:

12-ounce beverage milligrams
Red Bull (8.2 oz) 80.0
Jolt 71.2
Pepsi One 55.5
Mountain Dew 55.0
Diet Mountain Dew 55.0
Mellow Yellow 52.8
Diet Coke 45.6
RC Cola 43.0
Diet RC 43.0
Dr. Pepper 41.0
Diet Dr. Pepper 41.0
Mr. Pibb 40.0
Sunkist Orange 40.0
Pepsi-Cola 37.5
Diet Pepsi 36.0
Wild Cherry Pepsi 38.0
Coca-Cola Classic 34.0
Cherry Coke 34.0
Vanilla Coke 34.0
Barq's Root Beer 23.0
Sprite 0
7-Up 0
Mug Root Beer 0
A&W Root Beer 0
Slice 0
Sierra Mist 0

Other Beverages
8-ounce Beverage milligrams
Coffee, Drip 115-175
Coffee, Brewed 80-135
Coffee, Espresso (2 ounces) 100
Coffee, Instant 65-100
Tea, iced 47
Tea, brewed, imported brands (avg.) 60
Tea, brewed, U.S. brands (avg.) 40
Tea, instant 30
Tea, green 15
Hot cocoa 14
Coffee, Decaf, brewed 3-4
Coffee, Decaf, instant 2-3

SOURCES: National Soft Drink Association, US Food and Drug Administration, Bunker and McWilliams, Pepsi, Slim-Fast.

Alright- now let's get to the debate due to this data. Now, we all know that caffeine is addictive. So, Pepsi One has a shitload of caffeine and is a relatively new DIET drink. The #3 best selling soda on the market is Diet Coke. So, did Pepsi do this solely to compete against Coca Cola within the diet market by addicting as many suckers as possible? Diet Coke is highly addictive, and let's face it, Diet Pepsi ain't cuttin' it. This info also helped me to better understand the deal with Mountain Dew being Redneck Wine, since it's also so high in caffeine.

What do you guys think?

I got this from Massoni, who directed me to: http://wilstar.com/caffeine.htm and I edited down the vast amount of drinks to mostly the ones we're covering here. Plus, the list was long enough as it is. Thanks for all the participation, guys!

Root Beer Heaven

2009-02-05T06:41:00.003-05:00

And now back to being a soda critic:

Root beer could have its own blog, there are so many different varieties. The first one, by the way, was Hires Root Beer. Invented a few decades later was Barq’s. These two are gods among drinks, let alone root beers. I’m not trying to take away from A&W or IBC, of course. I’m going to try to work my way around this one and give you guys some good advice for your root beer drinking. First things first, I think that root beer is a cold weather drink. It is very filling and warms you up. The only true warm weather root beers would be Barq’s and IBC.

Hires is a good smooth drink with a great head on it like a Guinness. I would recommend this one with a good comfort food. Its flavor isn’t overwhelming and reminds you how a good root beer is supposed to taste. It’s a very filling drink that should be savored. I wish I had more to say about this one, but I honestly barely drink it.

Barq’s is not good with spicy foods! Their claim that “Barq’s Has Bite” is absolutely true! Eat some curry, buffalo wings, or anything with peppers or onions and your mouth will understand what the devil has in store for you in the afterlife! Don’t fret, there is a root beer that goes well with these foods- just keep reading. The flavor of this root beer can be overpowering and takes on its own life when you try to wash food down with it. I suggest just drinking this as sodas were originally intended: as a treat in itself.

A&W is best with hot dogs or burgers- much like the pairing at its restaurant chain. I recommend only getting the minimum amount of food and savoring every drop of this one. If you have a local A&W restaurant, their food stinks. But if you want to truly enjoy a fresh root beer, go in there and sit down with a glass mug filled straight from the tap. It’s the only reason I go to this place.

And the cheese curds.

IBC should have its own religion, it’s so good. Plus, it’s ONLY in glass bottles! They recognize rule #1 of sodas! This goes brilliantly with so many things, but especially warm foods- which is truly my generalization for most root beers. If you go to Potbelly Sandwich Works (I love that place, in case you couldn’t tell by now), pick one up from the freezer. It’s so damn perfect for a warm sandwich. Barq’s is at Firehouse Subs and just doesn’t go well with their sandwiches as the flavor can be overpowering.

MUG is still good, but it doesn’t have anything to make it unique. Nothing to really make it feel like there’s a party in your mouth and everyone’s invited. I still highly recommend this as it is still a great root beer.

Living in the DC Metro area, I’ve come to enjoy a local brew from the Old Dominion Brewing Company, which specializes in actual beer. Their root beer, however, has a taste of honey to it that I’ve never encountered before. It’s so smooth and is anti-bite! So, if you want to have those buffalo wings or something spicy, this drink is the absolute best! It’s sold in many bars around here and the ever amazing Wegman’s grocery store. I checked out their website and couldn’t find anything for ordering some online- so, I apologize if I got your hopes up.

However, something that I’ve found all over the east coast, not sure about you guys in California, is a great generic root beer named Main Street! It’ll be in the soda section with your Dr. Perky’s and Mountain Thunders. Pick it up, and you may find your new fave. Main Street is very similar to MUG root beer. This one is almost just right when it comes to flavor.

Breaking News: Coca Cola "Classic" is no more!

2009-01-30T12:34:00.003-05:00

That's right! Since the Coca Cola Bottling Corporation invented New Coke to compete with Pepsi beating the snot out of them with the Pepsi Challenge, they had to attach "Classic" to their original brand- despite the lack of cocaine as an ingredient.

And now it is no more! Since New Coke went the way of the dodo after only 79 days, we knew it was only a matter of time until Coke Classic went back to being Coke. It only took them 25 years to switch back. Wait... 79 days? Are you fucking serious?

Wow.

I'm wondering if Pepsi-Co updating the logos of all their products, including Sierra Mist now looking like fertilizer in a can, had anything to do with it.

Next, I want Crystal Pepsi back. That shit was delicious.

Redneck Wine

2009-01-30T10:10:00.001-05:00

Mountain Dew. Dear lord people drink the shit out of it. My brother Tim drinks it more than water.

While living in the South, we call all sodas “Coke” and I swear most men in the south, with goatees and either really short hair or really long hair drink this stuff like it’s the cure for cancer. And yes, I love Mountain Dew. I think I prefer Mello Yello, but the Dew is a quick second in the neon-yellow drink column.

Mountain Dew is actually slang for Moonshine. It all makes sense now.

The thing about this wonderful drink is that you don’t need to pair it with a thing. It doesn’t need sides, condiments, or main courses. It’s like drinking Skittles. It’s not really what foods go with liquid crack, but what activities.

Like fishing.

Or muddin’.

Or cussin’.

As the years go by and the city encroaches upon our wonderful suburbia and trailer parks, we have slowly stopped calling all soft drinks “Coke” and now just say soda. Up in the North, it’s pop. Out West, eh who cares? They’re not even people, anyway. So I no longer get asked, “What kinda coke you want?” To which I’d reply, “Mella Yella.” That’s right, a slang term that was slanged gets slanged again. What will our future children call Mello Yello? Meh.

My favorite type of Mountain Dew, since there have been over 12 jillion varieties, was “Game Fuel” that was marketed with the release of Halo 3. I had the special Halo 3 edition of X-Box 360, my Halo 3 controller, Halo 3 headset, and Halo 3 Mountain Dew Game Fuel. God damn did I ever fall for a marketing plan.

Then came Call of Duty 4: Modern Combat.

Man, I want a Mello Yello right now.

Nazi Coke

2009-01-27T08:20:00.001-05:00

Not sure if you got the memo, but many companies throughout the ages have been up to some pretty hairy shit. They still are. And since this isn’t a blog about computers (pointing out that IBM made computers for the Nazis to keep track of their Jew data), we’ll point out something about one of the biggest soda companies on Earth: The Coca-Cola Bottling Corporation.

This is more interesting than accusatory, so don’t get any ideas that I’ll start up a thread about boycotting Coke or whatever. In World War 2, the Coca-Cola Bottling Corporation couldn’t import the syrup for Coca-Cola into Nazi Germany. So, how do we make profit from potential world leaders if we can’t give them our #1 product?

Invent a new one.

They could only use ingredients found in Germany, obviously. So they were told to create their “Fantasy” soda. They dropped the last two letters, and created Fanta Orange- or as I call it, Nazi Coke. I honestly call it Nazi Coke all the live long day. I’m not the only one who does and I’m definitely not the first to write up a blog about it. I point this tidbit of info out like a nerd all the time when drinking it or seeing it at Potbelly Sandwich Works.

More nerd facts are that Fanta Orange is made differently on every continent and sometimes in each country. Like Brazil, where one of the key ingredients is 10% Orange Juice. Hmm, and where did many Nazis escape to after the war?

I learned all of this from “The Corporation”, which is one bad ass documentary I highly recommend.

So, yes, it was fucked up. I mean, they asked themselves the question, “How do we still profit from this?” IBM was much worse and they only partly admit to their truly heinous profiteering from the genocide of an entire people. But it was a truly deplorable thing. I mean, I try to think of the situations going on back then and the political landscape. Like, most Americans were Isolationists and there were a shitload of anti-Semites. So don’t think that the “Greatest Generation” wasn’t as messed up as we are.

I say fuck ‘em!

Oh, and yes, despite how much I fuckin’ hate Nazi Germany and everything they stand for, Nazi Coke is delicious. I drank the shit out of it when I lived in Israel, too. If they can forgive the Coca-Cola Bottling Corporation, shouldn’t you?

Not really.

The basics

2009-01-22T11:30:00.001-05:00

It begins!

Here is one of the easiest rules to remember when thinking about the basic cola gods and which type of foods they should be attached to. I’m talking about Pepsi and Coke. I would say Coca Cola, but I’d sound like a commercial.

Think of Coke like steak sauce and Pepsi like ketchup. This is in no way an insult to Pepsi, which I’ll explain. We all know that the new burger of the season will probably have onion petals or steak sauce, but it really is, well, terrible- and next time you go, you get the ketchup instead. If you eat steak with ketchup, it'll probably taste like pure ass. If it tastes good, then that's not a steak. It may look like a steak, but that shit never moo'd in its life.

Ironically, if you go to Burger King or McDonald’s- they both serve Coke and not Pepsi products- and you have to drink what they give you. The Pepsi product gods are associated with that huge group of restaurants like Taco Bell and KFC (and a few others)- none of which serve burgers. They do serve the TRIPLE STEAK Burrito! By the way, if the Triple Steak Burrito costs like, two bucks, then is it really steak? What part of the cow does that even come from?

So, if you go out for fast food burgers- Pepsi. If you go out for steak- Coke.

Oh, and if you go to a barbeque to get a burger- RC Cola, baby.

12-ounce beverage	milligrams

Red Bull (8.2 oz)	80.0
Jolt	71.2
Pepsi One	55.5
Mountain Dew	55.0
Diet Mountain Dew	55.0
Mellow Yellow	52.8
Diet Coke	45.6
RC Cola	43.0
Diet RC	43.0
Dr. Pepper	41.0
Diet Dr. Pepper	41.0
Mr. Pibb	40.0
Sunkist Orange	40.0
Pepsi-Cola	37.5
Diet Pepsi	36.0
Wild Cherry Pepsi	38.0
Coca-Cola Classic	34.0
Cherry Coke	34.0
Vanilla Coke	34.0
Barq's Root Beer	23.0
Sprite	0
7-Up	0
Mug Root Beer	0
A&W Root Beer	0
Slice	0
Sierra Mist	0

8-ounce Beverage	milligrams

Coffee, Drip	115-175
Coffee, Brewed	80-135
Coffee, Espresso (2 ounces)	100
Coffee, Instant	65-100
Tea, iced	47
Tea, brewed, imported brands (avg.)	60
Tea, brewed, U.S. brands (avg.)	40
Tea, instant	30
Tea, green	15
Hot cocoa	14
Coffee, Decaf, brewed	3-4
Coffee, Decaf, instant	2-3