Breaking News: Coca Cola "Classic" is no more!

That's right! Since the Coca Cola Bottling Corporation invented New Coke to compete with Pepsi beating the snot out of them with the Pepsi Challenge, they had to attach "Classic" to their original brand- despite the lack of cocaine as an ingredient.

And now it is no more! Since New Coke went the way of the dodo after only 79 days, we knew it was only a matter of time until Coke Classic went back to being Coke. It only took them 25 years to switch back. Wait... 79 days? Are you fucking serious?



Wow.



I'm wondering if Pepsi-Co updating the logos of all their products, including Sierra Mist now looking like fertilizer in a can, had anything to do with it.



Next, I want Crystal Pepsi back. That shit was delicious.

Redneck Wine

Mountain Dew. Dear lord people drink the shit out of it. My brother Tim drinks it more than water.

While living in the South, we call all sodas “Coke” and I swear most men in the south, with goatees and either really short hair or really long hair drink this stuff like it’s the cure for cancer. And yes, I love Mountain Dew. I think I prefer Mello Yello, but the Dew is a quick second in the neon-yellow drink column.

Mountain Dew is actually slang for Moonshine. It all makes sense now.

The thing about this wonderful drink is that you don’t need to pair it with a thing. It doesn’t need sides, condiments, or main courses. It’s like drinking Skittles. It’s not really what foods go with liquid crack, but what activities.

Like fishing.

Or muddin’.

Or cussin’.

As the years go by and the city encroaches upon our wonderful suburbia and trailer parks, we have slowly stopped calling all soft drinks “Coke” and now just say soda. Up in the North, it’s pop. Out West, eh who cares? They’re not even people, anyway. So I no longer get asked, “What kinda coke you want?” To which I’d reply, “Mella Yella.” That’s right, a slang term that was slanged gets slanged again. What will our future children call Mello Yello? Meh.

My favorite type of Mountain Dew, since there have been over 12 jillion varieties, was “Game Fuel” that was marketed with the release of Halo 3. I had the special Halo 3 edition of X-Box 360, my Halo 3 controller, Halo 3 headset, and Halo 3 Mountain Dew Game Fuel. God damn did I ever fall for a marketing plan.

Then came Call of Duty 4: Modern Combat.

Man, I want a Mello Yello right now.

Nazi Coke

Not sure if you got the memo, but many companies throughout the ages have been up to some pretty hairy shit. They still are. And since this isn’t a blog about computers (pointing out that IBM made computers for the Nazis to keep track of their Jew data), we’ll point out something about one of the biggest soda companies on Earth: The Coca-Cola Bottling Corporation.

This is more interesting than accusatory, so don’t get any ideas that I’ll start up a thread about boycotting Coke or whatever. In World War 2, the Coca-Cola Bottling Corporation couldn’t import the syrup for Coca-Cola into Nazi Germany. So, how do we make profit from potential world leaders if we can’t give them our #1 product?

Invent a new one.

They could only use ingredients found in Germany, obviously. So they were told to create their “Fantasy” soda. They dropped the last two letters, and created Fanta Orange- or as I call it, Nazi Coke. I honestly call it Nazi Coke all the live long day. I’m not the only one who does and I’m definitely not the first to write up a blog about it. I point this tidbit of info out like a nerd all the time when drinking it or seeing it at Potbelly Sandwich Works.

More nerd facts are that Fanta Orange is made differently on every continent and sometimes in each country. Like Brazil, where one of the key ingredients is 10% Orange Juice. Hmm, and where did many Nazis escape to after the war?

I learned all of this from “The Corporation”, which is one bad ass documentary I highly recommend.

So, yes, it was fucked up. I mean, they asked themselves the question, “How do we still profit from this?” IBM was much worse and they only partly admit to their truly heinous profiteering from the genocide of an entire people. But it was a truly deplorable thing. I mean, I try to think of the situations going on back then and the political landscape. Like, most Americans were Isolationists and there were a shitload of anti-Semites. So don’t think that the “Greatest Generation” wasn’t as messed up as we are.

I say fuck ‘em!

Oh, and yes, despite how much I fuckin’ hate Nazi Germany and everything they stand for, Nazi Coke is delicious. I drank the shit out of it when I lived in Israel, too. If they can forgive the Coca-Cola Bottling Corporation, shouldn’t you?

Not really.

The basics

It begins!

Here is one of the easiest rules to remember when thinking about the basic cola gods and which type of foods they should be attached to. I’m talking about Pepsi and Coke. I would say Coca Cola, but I’d sound like a commercial.

Think of Coke like steak sauce and Pepsi like ketchup. This is in no way an insult to Pepsi, which I’ll explain. We all know that the new burger of the season will probably have onion petals or steak sauce, but it really is, well, terrible- and next time you go, you get the ketchup instead. If you eat steak with ketchup, it'll probably taste like pure ass. If it tastes good, then that's not a steak. It may look like a steak, but that shit never moo'd in its life.

Ironically, if you go to Burger King or McDonald’s- they both serve Coke and not Pepsi products- and you have to drink what they give you. The Pepsi product gods are associated with that huge group of restaurants like Taco Bell and KFC (and a few others)- none of which serve burgers. They do serve the TRIPLE STEAK Burrito! By the way, if the Triple Steak Burrito costs like, two bucks, then is it really steak? What part of the cow does that even come from?

So, if you go out for fast food burgers- Pepsi. If you go out for steak- Coke.

Oh, and if you go to a barbeque to get a burger- RC Cola, baby.